Understanding Anxious Attachment: A Guide for Parents

At Dolphin Tribe, we know that how you were cared for as a child deeply affects how you parent your own children. One pattern we often see is called anxious attachment (also known as insecure-preoccupied attachment). Understanding this pattern is the first step toward healthier, happier family relationships.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

In Simple Terms

Imagine wanting to be close to someone but constantly worrying they'll push you away. That's anxious attachment. It develops when a child receives inconsistent care—sometimes their parent is warm and attentive, other times distant or unavailable. The child learns to always be on edge, never sure what to expect.

Adults with anxious attachment often:

• Crave deep emotional connection

• Worry constantly about being rejected or abandoned

• Have strong emotional reactions

• Struggle to know where they end and others begin (boundary issues)

  
  

How the Cycle Begins?

How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Parenting

When you parent with anxious attachment, your behaviours often come from a place of love—but sometimes in ways that can be challenging for both you and your child.

Over-Involvement You rush to fix every problem, not just to help your child, but because their distress makes you deeply anxious. This can prevent them from learning to soothe themselves.	Fear of Rejection When your child wants independence or seems distant, you may feel personally rejected. Your self-worth becomes tied to whether they need you
Blurred Boundaries You might lean on your child for emotional support, reversing the parent-child role. They become your comfort instead of you being theirs.	Hot and Cold Your responses swing between warm affection and anxious overreaction, creating unpredictability—similar to what you experienced as a child.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Situation	Anxious Attachment Response	Secure Response
Child falls and scrapes their knee	Panic, rush over, become very emotional, struggle to calm down	Comfort calmly, assess injury, reassure child they're okay
Child wants alone time	Feel hurt or rejected, worry something is wrong, push for connection	Respect their need for space, remain available when needed
Child prefers the other parent	Feel deeply wounded, worry about losing their love, and become clingy	Understand that children have different needs at different times

Why Understanding This Matters

Here's the good news: recognising these patterns isn't about blame or judgment. Your attachment style developed as a smart adaptation to your early environment. Understanding it with compassion opens the door to change.

The key insight: You're not a "bad parent"—you're a parent carrying old wounds that can heal. With support, you can break the cycle and build something better for your children.

Steps Toward Secure Parenting - Your Path Forward

1. Build Self-Awareness

Notice when your anxiety is driving your parenting. Ask yourself: "Am I responding to my child's needs or my own fears?"

2. Practice the Pause

Before reacting, take a breath. Try to see the situation from your child's perspective, not through the lens of your anxiety.

3. Manage Your Emotions

Learn techniques to calm your nervous system so you can respond with consistency instead of reacting from panic.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

Remember: your child's job is to be a child, not to meet your emotional needs. Build adult support systems for yourself.

5. Seek Professional Support

Attachment-focused therapy can help you process your early experiences and develop new, healthier patterns.

Conclusion

In conclusion, understanding anxious attachment is crucial for fostering healthier family dynamics. By recognising how our past influences our parenting, we can take meaningful steps toward creating secure attachments with our children. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. With the right support and strategies, you can cultivate a nurturing environment that promotes emotional well-being for both you and your child.

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

Parenting with anxious attachment is challenging, but it's also an opportunity for deep healing—both for you and your child. At Dolphin Tribe, we guide families through this journey with compassion, evidence-based care, and respect.

Contact our qualified practitioners for a confidential assessment and personalised support.